The 40 Year Old Virgin (2005)

In director Judd Apatow's raunchy romantic sex comedy, his directorial debut film - it was derived from a comedy sketch that star Steve Carell had appeared in when he was with the Chicago improvisational troupe Second City; his similar character Andy Stitzer attempted to fool people into believing he was sexually experienced, although his secret was that he was a 40 year-old virgin:

• the popular film (with an unrated DVD version that was 17 minutes longer) was filled with extreme, non-stop sex talk, including topics such as urination, bestiality, masturbation, homosexuality ("You wanna know how I know you’re gay?"), female anatomy, erections, dildo-stimulation, and crude and vulgar dialogue and sex-visuals, plus much more

40 Year-Old Celibate Nerdy Geek Andy Stitzer (Steve Carell) - On His Way to Work on Bicycle

• the title character - nerdy, middle-aged, virginal electronics shipping clerk Andy Stitzer (rising star Steve Carell) worked at the Smart-Tech super-store (similar to Circuit City) in Studio City, CA on Ventura Blvd; he led a mostly solitary life outside of work; in the opening scene, he awoke in bed at 7 am with an erection and had difficulty peeing in the bathroom
• the hobbies of geeky, introverted, nice-guy, celibate single bachelor Andy included hand-painted models - vintage action figures (Atomic Man and Aquaman), comic books collecting, and watching "Survivor" with his elderly neighbors Joe and Sara (Lee Weaver and Gloria Helena Jones); they clearly knew that Andy lacked a sex life: ("That guy needs to get laid") as he rode off to work on his bicycle
• when Andy's sex-obsessed co-worker friend Cal (Seth Rogen) spoke about his unusual weekend in Tijuana, Mexico visiting a club where a woman was having sex with a horse (bestiality), Andy shared his excitement over making the perfect egg-salad sandwich during the start of his weekend: ("Oh man, Friday, I really wanted an egg salad sandwich and I was just obsessing about it and I was like, 'Man, I'm gonna make one of those.' So Saturday, I went out and I got, like, a dozen eggs and then I boiled them all and I just, I spent, I dunno, probably three hours, like three and a half hours makin', you know, the mayonnaise, and the onions and paprika and, you know, all the accoutrement. And then, by the time I was done, I just really didn't feel like eating it")
• another Smart Tech co-worker buddy named David (Paul Rudd) spoke to the store's boss Paula (Jane Lynch), explaining how he had worked up the courage to finally tell her that he wanted her to discontinue the interminable playing of a Michael McDonald DVD for patrons - or otherwise he was "going to kill everyone in the store" and put a bullet in his brain: ("I would rather watch Beautician and the Beast. I would rather listen to Fran Drescher for eight hours...if I hear Yah Mo B There one more time, I'm gonna Yah Mo burn this place to the ground")
• during an after-work poker game (at the closed store) that Andy was invited to play with his threesome of co-worker buddies, they began sharing sex stories; Andy was called upon to describe a "nasty" and "dirty-talk" sexual experience from his past - and he exaggerated: ("You know, when you, like, grab a woman's breast and you feel it, and it feels like a bag of sand when you're touchin' it...I've borked a lot of women in my day") - they all immediately suspected that Andy was a virgin; the group decided to help Andy experience sex: (Jay: "I wanna get you laid, dude...From now on, your dick is my dick. I'm getting you some pussy"); Andy was completely embarrassed by his inept story, and fantasized about getting back at his friends: "Virgin's not a dirty word. You know what's a dirty word, is asshole, and that's what you guys are"
• although his buddies wanted Andy to be tutored in sex, they also assured Andy that it was alright to be a virgin at 40 years of age, but he was completely embarrassed; he rejected their assistance and threatened to quit his job: ( "Life's about passion...It's all about connections....It's not about butthole pleasures at all..I don't wanna go out with you guys....I don't need your help...You know what, I respect women, I love women. I respect them so much that I completely stay away from 'em"); however, he did realize that he was socially isolated and had a problem, and he confided to David over coffee: "Maybe it's too late. Sometimes I feel that it is just too late for me"; Andy began to have second thoughts about rejecting his friends and agreed to join them on the weekend, but asserted: "I'm not going to have sex with anybody"; David agreed: "Sex should be the last thing on your mind"

Andy Assaulted by Sex Everywhere - On Magazine Covers, On Bus Billboards

• to the tune of "I Got Ants in my Pants," as Andy walked down the street, he found himself assailed by sex coming at him from all directions: from covers of men's magazines (featuring naked women) at a newspaper/magazine kiosk, from a bus banner for ERUPTION ("You know you want it..."), and from two dogs he observed humping each other in the park
• as he slept, during a flashback to his awkward teen years, Andy remembered many horrible disasters with his dates; first, he received painful oral sex from a braces-wearing female; then, in another instance, he struggled to remove the bra from his big-breasted College Girl date (Laura Bottrell), as she screamed at him: "You'll pull my f--king hair out!"; then she exclaimed as she stood topless that he had prematurely ejaculated: "God! Oh my God, you came in your pants. What did you do?" Andy: "I had some cream of wheat"; while on another date with red bra-wearing Toe Sucking Girl (Carla Gallo), she begged to suck on his big toe: ("It's so big and thick"), but then Andy reflexively kicked her in the face causing a bloody nose and she screamed at him: "I'm hot! But now you can't have any of this. You just should give up forever"

Awkward Dates in Andy's Past
		Bloodied Toe Sucking Girl (Carla Gallo)
College Girl (Laura Bottrell) Reacting to Stimulated Andy: "I had some Cream of Wheat"

• after work, Andy was invited to go to the SHADE Lounge to pick up "drunk chicks" where he was advised by Jay: "I want vomit in the hair, bruised-up knees. A broken heel is a plus. That's what you want to find, okay?"; Andy was tutored to use his "instincts" (his crotch) and his peripheral vision to spy on a drunk red-head with "the big titties"; he was also told: "It's more important that she's drunk than she's hot"; the guys were able to attend a bachelorette party - an advantage because: "no one is hornier than a girl who's about to watch her friend get married to a guy"; they were all wearing colorful wigs and passing around penis dildos
• Andy found himself driving home with a drunken date named Nicky (Leslie Mann, director Judd Apatow's wife), a DUI offender who asked Andy to blow into her SafeRide breathalyzer in her vehicle; on her reckless drive home with screeching tires, she vomited a shellfish sandwich into her own mouth and then kissed Andy, and also sideswiped multiple parked cars, and then collided with another vehicle and spun around 360 degrees; she then sprayed Andy's entire face with more vomit; he "passed on the sex" when she offered
• later at work, Andy told his friends it was a "very bad night"; Andy defended his bike-riding, but knew that was the reason that he ended up in a vehicle driven by a drunk female; Jay continued to tutor Andy on how to interact with females and talk to women, and warned that Andy was making a big deal about having sex: "You're putting the pussy up on this pedestal. You're just building the pussy up....you're psyching yourself into thinkin' it's some impossible feat"
• Andy finally found some success when he met free-spirited 40 year-old Trish Piedmont (Catherine Keener) in the store as a customer; she was the small business owner of a "We Sell Your Stuff on EBay" store across the street from the tech store; she received advice from Andy on buying a VCR and DVD combo unit, and surprisingly she gave him her phone number, but then Andy became worried with his friends about the proper time to call her; they all celebrated by getting very drunk, smoking dope, and then urinating outside against a building; Andy broke his mental block about it and shouted jubiliantly: "I peed in public"
• the film's most hilarious sequence, with physical comedy, followed; after Jay suggested that Andy eliminate his "Teen Wolf" look, he and his friends visited a waxing salon for his chest treatment; the minute the Waxing Lady (Mika Mia) saw Andy's hairy chest, she was upset and remarked: "We're gonna need more wax!...Clear all my appointments in the afternoon!"; Cal added: "She starts doing his pubes, I'm outta here"; as the hair was stripped from his chest, Andy yelled out: "Kelly Clarkson!" and other expletives including "No, Kelly Clarkson!"; when she got to his nipple, Andy screamed: "Nipple f--k!"; he declared the session over: "This is not a good look for me!"
• Andy was then advised by Cal to learn how to talk to women, but he was ready to give up on all the various techniques: "You know what my problem is? I am not interesting. What am I supposed to say? 'I went to magic camp?' 'I'm an accomplished ventriloquist?' 'Oh, I am a Seventh Degree Imperial Yo-Yo Master.' Oh, do me, Yo-Yo Master. I want you to do me cause you're the yo-yo guy!"
• Cal further proposed that Andy ask questions of his dates and also act tough ("like David Caruso in Jade"); so Andy began to practice on a bookstore clerk named Beth (Elizabeth Banks); when she asked: "Are you looking for something?", he answered with a question: "Is there something I should be looking for?"; when he asked what kind of books she liked, she responded: "We have a great section of do-it-yourself"; innocently, he pondered: "Do you like to do it yourself?" - the uninhibited Beth revealed her sexaholic, nymphomaniacal nature by giggling: "Sometimes. I mean, if, uhm, the mood strikes!"; she turned coquettish, was intrigued by him, and asked for his name
• to encourage Andy to practice on his own, David lent a big box of his personal video porn collection to Andy for masturbation sessions; he encouraged Andy to look at his selections: "There's some really great stuff in here. Really great movies in here, man. Hey, did you ever see School of Rock, well, this is - It's called School of, You know...But it stars Jack Black Cock"; Andy outright rejected the offer because masturbation wasn't a hobby of his; however, he set up his room to watch one of the porno tapes ("Space Nuts") while reclined on his bed; however, he switched off the tape and then fantasized about making it with blonde porno actress Stormy Daniels (Herself). She seductively told him as she fondled her large breasts: "Hi, Andy. I'm gonna talk dirty to you. I wanna have lots of sexy sex with you. I wanna touch your big fat... (her voice changed to Andy's own voice) ...noodle, 'cause I wanna have naughty intercourse with you. I want you to put your penis on, I mean, in me, Andy. I wanna do lots of, lots of sexy hot things with you. S--t. This really isn't working, Andy. I don't know what to say because I am you"; he ended up watching a taped episode of "Everybody Loves Raymond"

Andy Attempting to Watch Porn

Andy's Failed Fantasy With Porn Actress (Stormy Daniels)

• deciding that it was time for him to score, during their lunch break, Andy was invited by his pals to attend a speed-dating session called Date-A-Palooza, where during one interview, his prospective busty date Carol (Kimberly Page) inadvertently flashed him at the table; afterwards, Cal also offered sex advice: ("You know what's a fun game?...Take three Excedrin PMs and you see if you can whack off before you fall asleep. You always win is the best part about the game")
• Jay invited Andy to a party he was hosting held in a hotel room, and when Andy entered, he was confronted by an arranged date - a prostitute who was revealed to be a transvestite ("I am Jay's party"); Andy's friends later spoke about the "cruel joke" played upon him when Andy claimed that she was a man: "Because her hands were as big as André the Giant's. And she had an Adam's apple as big as her balls"; Andy threatened his friends: "Just stay away from me. Or I'm gonna tell Paula that you're all stealing the recordable CDs"
• during a game of Mortal Kombat, his buddies David and Cal verbally battled about how one knew the other one was homosexual: ("You know how I know that you're gay?...Because you macramed yourself a pair of jean shorts...You just told me you're not sleeping with women anymore...You like Coldplay...You like the movie Maid in Manhattan...I saw you make a spinach dip in a loaf of sourdough bread once....You have a rainbow bumper sticker on your car that says 'I love it when balls are in my face'...")
• finally, Andy had worked up the courage to visit Trish's store and ask for a date, and because he rode a bicycle, she suggested picking him up in his apartment; with his friends, Andy removed all evidence of his embarrassing toy collection by the time she arrived so his place didn't look like "Neverland Ranch"; during the date at a restaurant, Trish admitted to him: "I never really go out with nice guys like you. I think I've avoided nice guys like you my whole life at my own peril"
• later in the evening as Andy prepared to have sex with Trish in her bedroom, she asked: "Do you have protection?" and he responded innocently: "I don't like guns"; Andy's first experience with using a condom (that he borrowed from Trish's stash from her marital days) was very awkward; he read the directions: "Roll over the tip and down onto the base", but couldn't figure out how to use them and one burst under the covers; and then the two were interrupted by Trish's teenaged 16 year-old daughter Marla (Kat Dennings) with her boyfriend; Marla was upset with her mother: "I cannot believe that you're allowed to have sex when I'm not! That is so unfair"
• later that night, Andy called the Viagra hot-line after experiencing an erection for over 4 hours, and then admitted he hadn't even taken the medicine; a call center representative in India advised Andy to masturbate, but he refused: "I'd rather not masturbate" and then was told to use his finger to flick his testicle until it hurt, to make the erection go away; later Andy explained to his friends what had happened: "I've never been more embarrassed in my life. I couldn't get the condoms to work, and one of them exploded on my balls. And then, her kid walked in the room"
• at work, Andy's boss Paula volunteered to help Andy lose his virginity as his 'F--k buddy'; Andy asked: "What's that?" and was told: "Well, it's a special friend who you f--k"; she told him about a gardener named Javier who serenaded her with what she believed to be a beautiful Guatemalan love song - and sang some of its non-sensical Spanish lyrics: ("¿Dónde vas con tanta prisa? Al partido de futbol"); shortly later when she promoted Andy to floor manager, she again propositioned him to help him lose his virginity before he had sex with his new girlfriend: "My door is always open, so to speak... I'm very discreet, but I will haunt your dreams"
• on their next dinner date, Trish confessed sheepishly that she was divorced and had three children, and one of them also had a one year-old child - so she was a grandmother; she recommended that their dating relationship mutually abide by a no-sex policy for 20 dates: ("We should hold off on the physical part for a while") and Andy readily agreed: "Sex can really complicate things"; Andy was relieved that their platonic relationship wouldn't pressure him into having sex, and they could comfortably get to know each other ("We can really get to know each other this way"), although they could still passionately make out; as a result, his relationship with Trish thrived
• after a squabble with her mother, Marla urged Andy to join her at a family planning health clinic to receive birth control information for herself, in preparation for having sex with her boyfriend; during a sex education group class with sexual-health counselor Judith (Nancy Walls/Carell, Steve Carell's wife), questions were asked by the sexually-inexperienced participants, such as how to persuade one's wife to perform illegal sex acts, how to stop a daughter's menstrual cycle, and Andy's query: "Is it true that if you don't use it, you lose it?"; the counselor suggested ways to have sex without vaginal intercourse ("outer-course"), including body rubbing or dry humping, mutual masturbation, deep kissing, erotic massage, and oral sex play; when Marla admitted she was a virgin, Andy backed her up and admitted, to their mutual relief, that he was also a virgin ("It's a personal choice and I don't think it's weird at all") - it was something he hadn't even admitted to Trish
• in the film's conclusion, after 20 dates with Trish, the toy-obsessed Andy wanted to postpone sex with Trish, but she attempted to initiate sex with him: ("I think I'm falling for you....I'm throwing myself at you and all you can think about is a f--king toy"); when she claimed that she was only helping Andy to sell all of his toys, open up his own store and "grow up": ("What do I have to do for you to have sex with me? Do you want me to dress up like Thor?"); he tried to persuade her that he wasn't afraid of sex with her and called her a "hot grandma"; feeling insulted by his demeaning comment, she ordered him out
• Andy stormed off, became depressed, and told his friends in a bar that he needed to have sex with a woman before establishing a relationship: "I need some poon. I need genital to genital connection and that's all I need"; he had changed his mind about being celibate and decided to prove himself: ("You cannot have a relationship with somebody until you have sex"); he wandered off and happened to run into Beth who invited him back to her apartment
• they laughingly joked about having sex in the butt (with word play): Beth: "We can do it in the - Butt if you want to" Andy: "But, if I want to what?" Beth: "Butt" Andy: "Butt, what, what?" Beth: "Do it." Andy: "Do it?" Beth: "What?"; she retreated to her bathtub ("We're gonna get dirty") where she demonstrated her masturbatory skill with a detachable, shiny vibrating shower head to "warm up" for him: ("What do you like? Can I show you what I like?...I wanna introduce you to my friend...This guy knows exactly what I like"); Andy became scared by Beth's crazed, freakish, self-pleasuring behavior ("This is graphic!") and returned home

Nymphomaniac Date Beth

• meanwhile, Trish wished to reconcile (after having been persuaded by Marla to get back together), and drove to Andy's apartment where she she found David's shared collection of porno videos, and a plastic vagina model from the clinic, and feared the worst: ("What are you, some kind of sex pervert? Are you a deviant or something?...You're not gonna try and kill me, are you?")
• as Trish drove away, Andy pursued her on his bicycle, to the tune of Asia's "Heat of the Moment," but crashed into the side of a billboard truck (with the ERUPTION ad); when she approached to tend to his injuries in the middle of the road, and asked if he was OK, he admitted to her relief: "I'm not OK....I'm a virgin. I always have been" - and that was the reason he was "scared" to have sex with her; he felt he had always been waiting for her, and they confessed their true love for each other
• Andy and Trish were married, with a ceremony paid for by the $500,000 sale of Andy's collectible action figures; the minister ended the vows with "You may kiss the bride, and for God's sake, consummate the thing!"; they broke their platonic vow on their wedding night by having sex for the first time; as they had intercourse, she congratulated Andy: "You're officially not a virgin," and one minute later, they decided to go at it a second time; the film's last line of dialogue was the exhausted Trish's question two hours later: "So how was that for you?" - and Andy began singing and dancing with cast members: "Aquarius/Let the Sunshine In"